We sometimes see different variations of the same story on Facebook or another social media platform. It usually has a black and white photo of an elderly couple holding hands, and a caption that goes something like this:
The elderly man takes his wife’s hand everywhere they go. Asked why she keeps looking away, distracted, he responded, “She has Alzheimer's disease.” He was asked if his wife would worry if he let go of her hand and they were apart. He replied, ′′She doesn't remember anything, she doesn't know who I am anymore. She hasn't recognized me for years.”
He was then asked, “And you have continued to guide her every single day, even though she doesn't recognize you?"
The elderly man smiled and looked into my eyes and said, ′′She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
We don’t know if this particular story is true, but the sentiment absolutely is. Dementia may rob individuals of their memories and cause changes to their function and personality, but that doesn’t mean they are any less loved. Here are some things to remember if your loved one has dementia.
They’re the same person you know and love
No matter how much the symptoms of dementia impact an individual, they remain the same parent, friend or family member you know and love. This person may seem gone or hidden away, but they’re still there—you’re just seeing their illness. Dementia can never take away the memories and experiences you shared together. Your relationship with them may change, particularly if you’re taking on a caregiving role as a parent or spouse, but that doesn’t mean your love for them is any less.
It’s ok to feel grief or loss
We recognize that dealing with the symptoms of dementia can be incredibly difficult for families, and we understand that no matter how much love remains, there is often a significant amount of pain involved as well. It’s okay to feel grief or mourn the perceived loss of a loved one as they live with dementia. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You can feel sadness and love at the same time.
Your love continues to provide comfort
Love is a powerful thing. Even if your loved one stops recognizing you or is unable to communicate in the later stages of dementia, they will recognize that you’re offering much needed love and support. This is true whether you’re their child, spouse, friend or an extended family member. They may not say your name or converse the way they used to, but if you consistently offer gentle, loving verbal and physical communication, they’ll know you’re someone they trust, take comfort in and feel safe with—and in the end, that’s what love really means.
Thank you for reading, and please share this post with anyone who may benefit from reading it.